I am changing the events from her entering the apartment a bit:
Actually, she has a low battery on her phone, I'll establish this in the beginning when she's talking to her mum.
Firstly she sees the paintings across from the front door, she looks at them, although now they are more abstract and she has to look more closely to figure out that they have a demonic subject matter. She frowns at this obviously and heads into the kitchen next, here she trips over the chord, opens the blinds and checks the dusty cupboards, where she also sees a bloody and very sharp looking knife. (She leaves her bag at the front door when inspecting the paintings).
Her sister texts her about the condition of the place and she says its alright, the sister does put emphasis on the washing room which is apparently full of dirty laundry, she walks down the hall past the laundry and into the lounge.
She has an added urgency with the phone battery dying, she doesn't want to use a PowerPoint in the kitchen because it looks dodgy.
In the lounge this is the first thing she does, finds a good PowerPoint, and excitedly uses it, her phone's charger is kinda fucked and she has to wiggle it until it fits properly and actually works.
Relieved when it does she collapses on the couch where she hears cracking from the wooden staff, she moves it to the side of the couch carefully and then notices all the board games and stuff on the floor, she looks at the many tapes on the ground and shows an interest. Plonking a bean bag in front of the TV she starts watching one.
It's some voyeuristic viewpoint of a child going to school. She finds it boring and tries another one, which is similar in nature, following a boy playing by himself. Her sister asks what she's doing and she says that she's watching her video art stuff. The sister says that's so embarrassing, it probably just seems like mumbo jumbo to her. She also asks if mum would be alright watching that stuff, she says she watches many things that mum doesn't know about and then asks why her sister is concerned, what is the theme here. The sister says it's supposed to be abstract and self interpreted, but she wanted to make a movie about sexual awakening. She looks back at the young boy on the screen and frowns, taking the VHS out.
She puts in another, which is just an empty room and fasts forwards to see what happens. Here the reflection of the coat happens again.
She also hears sounds more often and it becomes a soft voice, she investigates and finds the boy - I want this to be more creepy as well, with him maybe softly whispering something to himself about stranger danger. She asks her sister about the sound on the TV just before going to investigate the noise from the washing room which in the silence becomes louder.
Here the exchange between her and the boy needs to be better executed and her going to the kitchen for the knife is important in seeing the figure at the door, she needs to realize that this isn't her sisters' house just before going for the knife. The sister needs to say she's coming home before the text about the sound on the TV, when she gets the message saying "I don't have a TV, use the laptop" - then we are supposed to figure out that she is in the wrong apartment and at this point, the witch can become a physical entity within the apartment.
When she discovers the boy in the laundry and can't get the door open that's when we cut away to see the sister driving home. This needs to have a fake ticking clock.
____________
How I would change from where she finally enters the apartment:
The door closes heavy behind her and she rests the suitcase against it, looking at something new now. On the door opposite there are big sheets of paper with rough lines painted across them. It is abstract but in the chaotic mesh of paint one can make out clear human and not so human figures.
They have a chalky texture and thick dry brush strokes, one could compare it to the paintings of Francis Bacon.
Olive is intrigued by it and moves closer, letting her hand flow over it, the texture is odd though she picks it up, it's almost like leather, but softer. She lifts one up and sees the painting behind it, a depiction of a child being burned alive. She grimaces and lets go of the page, turning her attention to the rest of the apartment.
She moves into the kitchen, the place is a mess, with dishes and all sorts of objects littering both the surfaces and the floor, it’s dark inside with heavy curtains blocking the sunlight.
She steps into the kitchen but trips on a chord that stretches from one end to the other, she almost faceplants on the dirty floor. She looks around and sees a bunch of mousetraps under the cupboards and dining table.
Disgusted she gets back up, dusts herself off and looks through the cupboards, there is hardly anything in them but she does find a knife covered in blood. Her sister says she hopes the place isn’t too bad, she raises an eyebrow at this. She texts back saying “I think I can cope lol” and looks at the nearest power outlet, it not being usable, she frowns and looks back at the battery which now sits at 2%.
Beth texts her saying that she should try and just stay out of the washing room its a fucking mess. She hasn’t had the chance to clean it - she starts texting back “did you have time to clean the rest!?” but then deletes it and just replies with a laughing emoji.
She moves now down the hall and accidentally knocks over an urn of a sort that sits on the right side of the hall, it falls to the floor but is sturdy enough not to break, she says shit and stops herself. She realizes she’s not at home and laughs, saying shit again, this time louder. Shit, fuck, cunt - all the swear words loud in this empty space, laughing at this newfound freedom. On one of them, she hears it repeated though and stops. She listens thinking she heard someone else say something, she says “hello?”. But nothing - silly. She looks at the door that says washing room, shakes her head and goes into the lounge where she finds a fitting power outlet.
She struggles with connecting it for a bit, but finally happy with having it charging she sits on the couch and moves the stick that cracks there, she says out loud “fucking hell beth if you moved your bloody shit out of the way I might not have to break everything...every fucking thing”. Removing her shoes and throwing them to the other side of the room she makes herself as big as possible stretching out on the couch.
She shrugs and looks around noticing all the board games, she kneels down and takes an interest in the VHS tapes.
She watches the first one, voyeuristic stalking of a young girl going to school. Her sister asks what's she’s doing and she says watching her video art stuff, the sister says that's so embarrassing, it probably just seems like mumbo jumbo to her.
She also asks if mum would be alright watching that stuff, she says she watches many things that mum doesn't know about, her sister says they’d have to have a girl to girl when she gets back - with a glass of wine as well ;)
She tries another one when she’s bored, this one is a young boy playing by himself on the edge of a playground. She asks her sister why she is concerned, what is the theme here. The sister says it's supposed to be abstract and self interpreted, but she wanted to make a movie about sexual awakening.
She looks back at the tape and frowns, now being a bit confused as to the message here.
(Coat has to disappear when she goes back to the lounge later)
She takes out the tape and puts in another one, but in the black of the screen thinks she sees something behind her, it's only a coat on the hanger behind her.
She forwards through the tape.
Her sister texts her that she’s on the way now and shouldn’t be a long time, 5 minutes tops.
Then she hears the voice, someone repeating something over and over under their breath.
Olive checks it out and finds a boy on the other side of the door, he mentions that the person holding him captive sometimes takes his voice and that she feeds him strange medicines. Olive tries to unlock the door, having a lot of trouble, we start cutting away to see the sister be on her way home. She is very close, she uses the staff to try and open the door and it finally opens, inside she finds the boy with a scarecrow mask on his head. She removes it and sees rope around his wrists and neck - which must have been covering his mouth.
She can’t untie him and decide to get the knife, but she hears the sister on the stair and closes the door, pretending everything is normal, she runs back to the lounge and as she’s about to sit and look pretty she notices that her sister replied. We see the text, she doesn’t have a TV and this isn’t her apartment.
She is seen entering hers on the opposite side, the one with the ring of flowers. She is listening to music. Olive’s breath shortens and she runs to the front doors, sliding on her socks as she sees a black figure in front of the door. She kneels and crawls under the kitchen table to avoid its gaze, her fingers and feet narrowly missing the mousetraps. Her pinkie gets caught in one and she has to muffle her yelp, the cloaked figure moves past and stops when she muffles her scream, looking and eventually moving on. Olive breaths quick and heavy, she grabs the knife and sneaks past the hall to the front door - seeing the witch enter the young boy’s room.
She tries to open the door but it's locked, she looks through the keyhole and sees her sister disappear into the other apartment, her eyes widen and she starts knocking heavily and screaming.,
She stops when she hears a witch speak. Olive moves back into the hallway and faces off with the witch, the witch tells her how screaming doesn't help, how in the modern world no one cares.
The sister enters her apartment and starts looking for Olive, being confused about where she is.
The witch moves suddenly and Olive carefully steps over the loose chord, moving around the kitchen table as the witch faceplants and runs to the washing room.
With the knife, she unties the boy, but there is something wrong with him, he can’t talk anymore, the witch appears in the doorway.
The sister can’t find Olive and look out the window, down the stairs calling for her.
Olive tries to call out to her when hearing her calls, but the witch moves her hand through the air and takes Olive’s voice, who grasps her throat struggling to let any words out. The witch talks about how children’s voices are as easily taken as they are given.
The sister heard the reply at the beginning of it before it was cut off, of course, sees the faded red 5 on the witch's door and knocks.
The witch goes to answer saying she has a visitor and that her guests need to wait.
At the door, the sister asks about Olive and if the old hag has seen her, the woman almost convinces Beth that she isn’t there and she’s about to leave to go looking for her when she spots the suitcase behind the door.
She sucker punches the witch and calls the police.
Olive declines to answer her mother’s call, she has no voice still and the sister is trying to use witchcraft things to fix it asking her to just not let her parents know, at least let her fix things. She swears and Olive gives her a dirty look, she leaves to the bathroom upset and untrustworthy of the witchcraft stuff.
In the bathroom she's washing her hands and finds some herpes cream or something, she takes a picture and sends it to her mum, she also texts her saying “I found this” and “I wanna come home”, she waits on the toilet for a moment almost in tears and her mum calls.
Cut to black.
Actually, she has a low battery on her phone, I'll establish this in the beginning when she's talking to her mum.
Firstly she sees the paintings across from the front door, she looks at them, although now they are more abstract and she has to look more closely to figure out that they have a demonic subject matter. She frowns at this obviously and heads into the kitchen next, here she trips over the chord, opens the blinds and checks the dusty cupboards, where she also sees a bloody and very sharp looking knife. (She leaves her bag at the front door when inspecting the paintings).
Her sister texts her about the condition of the place and she says its alright, the sister does put emphasis on the washing room which is apparently full of dirty laundry, she walks down the hall past the laundry and into the lounge.
She has an added urgency with the phone battery dying, she doesn't want to use a PowerPoint in the kitchen because it looks dodgy.
In the lounge this is the first thing she does, finds a good PowerPoint, and excitedly uses it, her phone's charger is kinda fucked and she has to wiggle it until it fits properly and actually works.
Relieved when it does she collapses on the couch where she hears cracking from the wooden staff, she moves it to the side of the couch carefully and then notices all the board games and stuff on the floor, she looks at the many tapes on the ground and shows an interest. Plonking a bean bag in front of the TV she starts watching one.
It's some voyeuristic viewpoint of a child going to school. She finds it boring and tries another one, which is similar in nature, following a boy playing by himself. Her sister asks what she's doing and she says that she's watching her video art stuff. The sister says that's so embarrassing, it probably just seems like mumbo jumbo to her. She also asks if mum would be alright watching that stuff, she says she watches many things that mum doesn't know about and then asks why her sister is concerned, what is the theme here. The sister says it's supposed to be abstract and self interpreted, but she wanted to make a movie about sexual awakening. She looks back at the young boy on the screen and frowns, taking the VHS out.
She puts in another, which is just an empty room and fasts forwards to see what happens. Here the reflection of the coat happens again.
She also hears sounds more often and it becomes a soft voice, she investigates and finds the boy - I want this to be more creepy as well, with him maybe softly whispering something to himself about stranger danger. She asks her sister about the sound on the TV just before going to investigate the noise from the washing room which in the silence becomes louder.
Here the exchange between her and the boy needs to be better executed and her going to the kitchen for the knife is important in seeing the figure at the door, she needs to realize that this isn't her sisters' house just before going for the knife. The sister needs to say she's coming home before the text about the sound on the TV, when she gets the message saying "I don't have a TV, use the laptop" - then we are supposed to figure out that she is in the wrong apartment and at this point, the witch can become a physical entity within the apartment.
When she discovers the boy in the laundry and can't get the door open that's when we cut away to see the sister driving home. This needs to have a fake ticking clock.
____________
How I would change from where she finally enters the apartment:
The door closes heavy behind her and she rests the suitcase against it, looking at something new now. On the door opposite there are big sheets of paper with rough lines painted across them. It is abstract but in the chaotic mesh of paint one can make out clear human and not so human figures.
They have a chalky texture and thick dry brush strokes, one could compare it to the paintings of Francis Bacon.
Olive is intrigued by it and moves closer, letting her hand flow over it, the texture is odd though she picks it up, it's almost like leather, but softer. She lifts one up and sees the painting behind it, a depiction of a child being burned alive. She grimaces and lets go of the page, turning her attention to the rest of the apartment.
She moves into the kitchen, the place is a mess, with dishes and all sorts of objects littering both the surfaces and the floor, it’s dark inside with heavy curtains blocking the sunlight.
She steps into the kitchen but trips on a chord that stretches from one end to the other, she almost faceplants on the dirty floor. She looks around and sees a bunch of mousetraps under the cupboards and dining table.
Disgusted she gets back up, dusts herself off and looks through the cupboards, there is hardly anything in them but she does find a knife covered in blood. Her sister says she hopes the place isn’t too bad, she raises an eyebrow at this. She texts back saying “I think I can cope lol” and looks at the nearest power outlet, it not being usable, she frowns and looks back at the battery which now sits at 2%.
Beth texts her saying that she should try and just stay out of the washing room its a fucking mess. She hasn’t had the chance to clean it - she starts texting back “did you have time to clean the rest!?” but then deletes it and just replies with a laughing emoji.
She moves now down the hall and accidentally knocks over an urn of a sort that sits on the right side of the hall, it falls to the floor but is sturdy enough not to break, she says shit and stops herself. She realizes she’s not at home and laughs, saying shit again, this time louder. Shit, fuck, cunt - all the swear words loud in this empty space, laughing at this newfound freedom. On one of them, she hears it repeated though and stops. She listens thinking she heard someone else say something, she says “hello?”. But nothing - silly. She looks at the door that says washing room, shakes her head and goes into the lounge where she finds a fitting power outlet.
She struggles with connecting it for a bit, but finally happy with having it charging she sits on the couch and moves the stick that cracks there, she says out loud “fucking hell beth if you moved your bloody shit out of the way I might not have to break everything...every fucking thing”. Removing her shoes and throwing them to the other side of the room she makes herself as big as possible stretching out on the couch.
She shrugs and looks around noticing all the board games, she kneels down and takes an interest in the VHS tapes.
She watches the first one, voyeuristic stalking of a young girl going to school. Her sister asks what's she’s doing and she says watching her video art stuff, the sister says that's so embarrassing, it probably just seems like mumbo jumbo to her.
She also asks if mum would be alright watching that stuff, she says she watches many things that mum doesn't know about, her sister says they’d have to have a girl to girl when she gets back - with a glass of wine as well ;)
She tries another one when she’s bored, this one is a young boy playing by himself on the edge of a playground. She asks her sister why she is concerned, what is the theme here. The sister says it's supposed to be abstract and self interpreted, but she wanted to make a movie about sexual awakening.
She looks back at the tape and frowns, now being a bit confused as to the message here.
(Coat has to disappear when she goes back to the lounge later)
She takes out the tape and puts in another one, but in the black of the screen thinks she sees something behind her, it's only a coat on the hanger behind her.
She forwards through the tape.
Her sister texts her that she’s on the way now and shouldn’t be a long time, 5 minutes tops.
Then she hears the voice, someone repeating something over and over under their breath.
Olive checks it out and finds a boy on the other side of the door, he mentions that the person holding him captive sometimes takes his voice and that she feeds him strange medicines. Olive tries to unlock the door, having a lot of trouble, we start cutting away to see the sister be on her way home. She is very close, she uses the staff to try and open the door and it finally opens, inside she finds the boy with a scarecrow mask on his head. She removes it and sees rope around his wrists and neck - which must have been covering his mouth.
She can’t untie him and decide to get the knife, but she hears the sister on the stair and closes the door, pretending everything is normal, she runs back to the lounge and as she’s about to sit and look pretty she notices that her sister replied. We see the text, she doesn’t have a TV and this isn’t her apartment.
She is seen entering hers on the opposite side, the one with the ring of flowers. She is listening to music. Olive’s breath shortens and she runs to the front doors, sliding on her socks as she sees a black figure in front of the door. She kneels and crawls under the kitchen table to avoid its gaze, her fingers and feet narrowly missing the mousetraps. Her pinkie gets caught in one and she has to muffle her yelp, the cloaked figure moves past and stops when she muffles her scream, looking and eventually moving on. Olive breaths quick and heavy, she grabs the knife and sneaks past the hall to the front door - seeing the witch enter the young boy’s room.
She tries to open the door but it's locked, she looks through the keyhole and sees her sister disappear into the other apartment, her eyes widen and she starts knocking heavily and screaming.,
She stops when she hears a witch speak. Olive moves back into the hallway and faces off with the witch, the witch tells her how screaming doesn't help, how in the modern world no one cares.
The sister enters her apartment and starts looking for Olive, being confused about where she is.
The witch moves suddenly and Olive carefully steps over the loose chord, moving around the kitchen table as the witch faceplants and runs to the washing room.
With the knife, she unties the boy, but there is something wrong with him, he can’t talk anymore, the witch appears in the doorway.
The sister can’t find Olive and look out the window, down the stairs calling for her.
Olive tries to call out to her when hearing her calls, but the witch moves her hand through the air and takes Olive’s voice, who grasps her throat struggling to let any words out. The witch talks about how children’s voices are as easily taken as they are given.
The sister heard the reply at the beginning of it before it was cut off, of course, sees the faded red 5 on the witch's door and knocks.
The witch goes to answer saying she has a visitor and that her guests need to wait.
At the door, the sister asks about Olive and if the old hag has seen her, the woman almost convinces Beth that she isn’t there and she’s about to leave to go looking for her when she spots the suitcase behind the door.
She sucker punches the witch and calls the police.
Fade out to:
Olive declines to answer her mother’s call, she has no voice still and the sister is trying to use witchcraft things to fix it asking her to just not let her parents know, at least let her fix things. She swears and Olive gives her a dirty look, she leaves to the bathroom upset and untrustworthy of the witchcraft stuff.
In the bathroom she's washing her hands and finds some herpes cream or something, she takes a picture and sends it to her mum, she also texts her saying “I found this” and “I wanna come home”, she waits on the toilet for a moment almost in tears and her mum calls.
Cut to black.
__________________________________
Soon we are going to have someone on ones with Duncan again and I would like a treatment with these changes incorporated finished by then because I am pretty happy with how I've managed to flesh it out.
When that treatment is finished I'll also send to James and get some advice.
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